Bit 11
"Ruby Lessssssss Begonia!!!!"
Doty
and Dee stepped through the front door of the City Scape
Bar and Grill at exactly the same time Jean's voice
belched out of the intercom. Both of them had similar
statures -- short and boyish in appearance -- but only
Dee smoked a pipe. They each smiled as Ruby rolled his
eyes and fumbled with the button on the intercom.
Ruby
spoke into the device, "Don't worry, Jean. We caught Kiwi
and its -- " Ruby paused to underscore his intended
mistake and then continued, "-- ummm, I mean, she's
being carried up the stairs as we speak."
Kiwi,
the scrawny Shih Tzu that belonged to Jean Hudson, had
somehow managed to escape the woman's clutches. Once in
the lounge area of the bar, Kiwi had evacuated her bowels
next to a rubber tree plant. Ruby, spying the dog as it
knelt in wait, scooped it up and handed it to a visiting
tourist. "Do us a favor, sport," he'd said to the man,
"And carry this precious creature up those stairs."
It was
at that moment, just as the surprised visitor took the dog
up the stairs, that the intercom squelched and Doty and
Dee entered the bar. A minute later, as the two women
were situating themselves on barstools, an anguished cry
came from the stairway. The three of them -- Ruby, Doty,
and Dee -- all smiled knowingly at one another.
"One
of these days," Dee said, "She's going to really hurt
somebody."
Ruby,
who was checking his hair in the large mirror behind the
bar, said, "Just as long as it's not us."
The
man who had been given the dubious honor of carrying Kiwi
up the stairs then came running down them -- his own hair
in complete disarray. "She tried to hit me with a bloody
crutch!" he cried, his eyes bugging out of his head.
"Did
she get you?" Ruby asked.
"Nah!
She missed! But she nearly put out my eye!"
"Well,
she didn't," scolded Ruby, "So stop your complaining."
The
man, who looked suspended somewhere between disbelief and
rage, began to mutter something. Ruby, however, cut off
his intended speech by handing him a cocktail. "Welcome
to the madhouse," he told the man, "You're officially one
of us now."
"Hey
Ruby," Dee called over to the bartender, "Whom do I have
to know to get a drink around here? Obviously not you!"
"What
is this, bitch at the tired old drag queen day?
Can't you see I'm busy being a Good Samaritan over here?"
"Yeah,
well get your tired old butt over here and give me a Rusty
Nail before I have to climb over the bar and make it
myself."
"Honey," said Ruby Less Begonia, "You bring your butt
anywhere near this side of the bar and I'll redefine the
term entry in rear for you."
At
this, Doty and Dee began to giggle uncontrollably. "I'd
like to see you try that one, Ruby!" said Doty.
"Well," Ruby said, "On second thought, I won't."
Next: Bit 12
There are none who flock to the island
